i'm a worrier. everyday i worry. today i worried all day that there was not a heartbeat. all day i worried about it. making a piece of jewelry...worried about it. cutting out a piece of silver....worried about it. waiting on a customer...doesn't matter....there i am, worrying about my baby's heartbeat.
pregnant mama assures me that we would have signs that would make us aware this had happened. like, if the baby looses it's heartbeat, the baby dies. if the baby dies, it begins to withdraw from the uterine wall; thus, creating cramping within the uterus.
this, makes me sick and want to spit bile onto the floor. my heart feels like lead; heavy, and in a vise. in a vise clamped so hard that it nearly pops it's bolts.
it's not a wonder i feel this way though.....have this fear... it makes perfect sense. i've been conditioned. i've known so many who have had their heart broken. i've known someone who had a tubal pregnancy. the fallopian tube ruptured, and she nearly bled to death if not for her husband who recognized shock. i've known someone who mis-carried. i've known someone whose, after 5 months of pregnancy, uterus ruptured. she nearly died and the baby did die. i've known someone who after nearly that long, the baby died and she had to give birth to the baby that died inside her. i've known someone whose baby died at six weeks on new year's day of crib death. and i've known someone whose baby died at 24 of an accidental heroin overdose.
it's no wonder i'm afraid. how could i not be afraid?
my throat knots up.... my eyes sting with tears......my heart is racing and i try to quite myself by putting my hand over my heart.....taking a deep breath....... and exhaling...... everything i have..... into my baby....until i can feel it's heartbeat.... racing with mine.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
green beans with ketchup
it's march 27 2009. a friday night. a friday night and i'm home eating a bowl of green beans. with ketchup.
i know.
no i'm not pregnant.
or am i?
ever since we found out that we're pregnant, it truly has seemed that "we" are pregnant. smells were the first sign. i've always had a sensitive sniffer. sometimes to the point of obnoxia, but never like this. everything can be fine and the slightest smell comes over me and suddenly everything's changed. nothing's okay. everything is sour and rotten and i can tell this is true by the swirl in my gut and the clamp on my head.
the second most noticeable sign is the fatigue. pregnant mama has unbelievable fatigue and i'm fighting it with everything i've got. i'm fine during the day. actually....... this is not true. some days i would hand over my pay for the day, maybe even for the week, just to lay down. on my bed. see what i mean? it's crazy. but, most of the time, i'm fairly energetic during the day. i come home ready to cook dinner, or change out the dishes, change out the laundry, tidy, whatever i can do to help take up the slack, or maybe work on my projects.....something. always something. and for the most part i do my share. but for a few weeks now, i come home with big aspirations and then there it is. like somewhere in the air and it just zaps it right from me! next thing i know, i'm fatigued too. so i lie down next to pregnant mama and in no time flat, i'm out too. and together we sleep and cocoon, and grow our baby.
together.
it's 9weeks old. not far along. well, it's been forever, really, already. we have so long to go. which is a beautiful thing. as well as quite torturous. sometimes i feel that if it would just get here, i wouldn't have all this time to be so angsty. i would be too busy holding it, and rocking it, and kissing it, and wiping it that i wouldn't have time to worry about all the things i worry about. will it make it to the first tests? will the first tests come back okay? will we make it to term? will the baby be healthy? will it do well in school? will it love me? what if i squish it? what if i sit on it and squish it and it dies? or drop it? what if i drop it?
and selfish..... i'm selfish. and fatalistic. and spoiled. i'm spoiled. for 43 years it's been my life about me. and no longer will that be true. i'll come home from work, pour me something to drink, and i'll be standing there at the sink and all of a sudden i think, "well, somebody would have to be holding the baby right now. i mean, unless it's asleep, some body's gotta be doing something with it. it has to be watched, and held, and seen about." or i'll be laying down in the morning, being lazy before getting up and i'll think "well, what would the baby be doing right now? probably needing something. kiss this time goodbye!" i know i sound awful. really, in my mind, what i do to myself, is awful.
all this said, i know that my love as i have known it, is small compared to what i will know. i know that as grown as i am, i am not yet grown. i know that as much as i think i know, i will learn so much more. and that as scary and as daunting as it seems, i know my life has only just begun.
i know.
no i'm not pregnant.
or am i?
ever since we found out that we're pregnant, it truly has seemed that "we" are pregnant. smells were the first sign. i've always had a sensitive sniffer. sometimes to the point of obnoxia, but never like this. everything can be fine and the slightest smell comes over me and suddenly everything's changed. nothing's okay. everything is sour and rotten and i can tell this is true by the swirl in my gut and the clamp on my head.
the second most noticeable sign is the fatigue. pregnant mama has unbelievable fatigue and i'm fighting it with everything i've got. i'm fine during the day. actually....... this is not true. some days i would hand over my pay for the day, maybe even for the week, just to lay down. on my bed. see what i mean? it's crazy. but, most of the time, i'm fairly energetic during the day. i come home ready to cook dinner, or change out the dishes, change out the laundry, tidy, whatever i can do to help take up the slack, or maybe work on my projects.....something. always something. and for the most part i do my share. but for a few weeks now, i come home with big aspirations and then there it is. like somewhere in the air and it just zaps it right from me! next thing i know, i'm fatigued too. so i lie down next to pregnant mama and in no time flat, i'm out too. and together we sleep and cocoon, and grow our baby.
together.
it's 9weeks old. not far along. well, it's been forever, really, already. we have so long to go. which is a beautiful thing. as well as quite torturous. sometimes i feel that if it would just get here, i wouldn't have all this time to be so angsty. i would be too busy holding it, and rocking it, and kissing it, and wiping it that i wouldn't have time to worry about all the things i worry about. will it make it to the first tests? will the first tests come back okay? will we make it to term? will the baby be healthy? will it do well in school? will it love me? what if i squish it? what if i sit on it and squish it and it dies? or drop it? what if i drop it?
and selfish..... i'm selfish. and fatalistic. and spoiled. i'm spoiled. for 43 years it's been my life about me. and no longer will that be true. i'll come home from work, pour me something to drink, and i'll be standing there at the sink and all of a sudden i think, "well, somebody would have to be holding the baby right now. i mean, unless it's asleep, some body's gotta be doing something with it. it has to be watched, and held, and seen about." or i'll be laying down in the morning, being lazy before getting up and i'll think "well, what would the baby be doing right now? probably needing something. kiss this time goodbye!" i know i sound awful. really, in my mind, what i do to myself, is awful.
all this said, i know that my love as i have known it, is small compared to what i will know. i know that as grown as i am, i am not yet grown. i know that as much as i think i know, i will learn so much more. and that as scary and as daunting as it seems, i know my life has only just begun.
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