landing pad

WOW it's been a long time since i've blogged. so much is going on that i can't even keep up with myself. i've just realized from my last post that i haven't even written since we found out that we are indeed having a boy!!!
















what an amazing moment. the beginning of an identity. the sonographer left the room to get ruby and we just hugged and cried. well, we hugged, and i cried. i think pregnant mama was a little shocked by baby mama's reaction. i don't know why...... she knows me!

william miles russell-bell.














we'll call him miles. william, after my father. i could go on and on about the growth and depth of love that my father and i had for each other, but we could be here all night. so i will simply say that he is the dearest to my heart, i feel him with me everyday and i cannot think of a better way to honor him than to give my child his name.
miles...i've always loved the name miles and loved miles davis, so that came to me pretty quickly and was enthusiastically received by pregnant mama. two weeks ago pregnant mama took baby mama's name and now we're a hyphenated family.

we've painted the baby's room. with the help of Nana R. we've finally gotten registered. that was fun! i loved the gun. really i think it should be that way everyday in life. everyone gets their own little gun and you get to walk around and go" bleep, 'i'll have that one please. oh, BLEEP, i'll have this one please! and wait-BLEEP, this too! thanks!!"




















and my god there is a lot you need when setting up for the arrival of a little one. all the necessities of life, right close by, no matter where you go. gotta have em. as worrisome as it is, i know now that somehow, things fall into place. we will get through. never before have i ever felt like more like a team- a family.




















time is drawing near and everyday i become more and more excited about meeting my son. we've come through our first trimester where we barely recognized each other and have found ourselves again. we've developed a routine. we get up at 6, she eats, i scratch, we go on a walk. we tell each other about what we've heard about pregnancy or childbirth, we read articles in magazines to each other, we go to our birthing class, we stretch and pelvic tilt and frog-leg, all while we're creating a landing pad for miles.
















i'm finally able to enjoy the beautiful parts..... like pregnant mama's body. the change is amazing. so primal, so beautiful. such a goddess. and i'm finally experiencing the exciting parts... spooning and holding her belly...feeling tiny movements inside her that are as subtle as a heartbeat. it's the most amazing feeling knowing there's three of us laying there. and finally.... i don't have near the fear that i once did. instead, i think about his little head and how i can't wait to kiss it. i go to target for shorts for myself and walk out with an outfit for him. two, to be exact. both are super soft and have little feet. they live in my armoire next to my jeans. every time i see them, it makes me smile. sometimes i take them out and hold them and think of how it's going to feel to hold his little body and kiss his fat cheeks.

this must be the balance part of life. fear that can paralyze your body, and adventure that can thrust you off a mountain, and move you right through it. i'll take it. i'm here. and i'll take it.

ice cream

we were just going to get ice cream but ended up at the kroger getting milk, beer, water, non-beer, coke and cereal. that sounds really unhealthy but that just happen to be the things we were out of. i swear there's healthier food at home. and ruby's coming to town. you've got to have options. but this is how i know we're pregnant. we're pregnant because we still went and got ice cream. two scoops of ooey-gooey mess. that's two scoops of ooey-gooey mess each. and piled right up in the bed. it's not just my love that is growing.

friday we find out if we've got a boy or a girl. i'm pretty certain it's a boy. it's just something i can feel. and if i'm wrong, well, i guess it'll be the first, and not the last, that i am an off the mark parent!

we're 18 and a half weeks pregnant. i always thought that was just a kid thing to count the half years, but i see now it goes all the way back to the womb. right back to the mother. "how far along are you?" "12 and half weeks." "hey baby, how far along are we?" "18 and a half weeks." really? my mango dipped in cheese is 18 and a half weeks. sweet.

every week we get emails about what's going on with our baby whichever week it is. whoever is the writer for these things is a crazy person that keeps relating the size of our baby to food! early on, it was shrimp. okay i get it. but later it was, an avocado, the size of that boneless chicken breast you're cooking up for dinner, (WTF really?) a bell pepper and now a mango dipped in cheese?! who is this person? a frustrated food critic that landed a job @ pregnancy.org?! i can only imagine what's coming next- your sweet little bundle of joy is the size of a cornish hen, battered and rolled and ready to go in that deep fryer!

pregnant mama's showing a little now and is cute as hell. we've taken a picture every week to chart the progress. the last couple of weeks we've almost forgotten to take them because we're too busy watching it grow! it's crazy. it's like in the night she snored a soccer ball right down into her belly and we woke up amazed. we rub it and pat it and think about our little family. we smile and kiss and pat it some more. sometimes i'm too rough. i get the tummy and yell down the little talk tube and imagine it hears my voice, like in who-ville, and it moves and kicks and smiles back at me. i try to sing to it but really all i know the words to are "old mcdonald had a farm" and some giant bear tunes. "she came to my window nearly dying of pneumonia, asking for whiskey and for love" -quick love-damn fine tune but maybe not the best baby's first lyrics.

so, hey...i'll have to brush up on my nursery rhymes.

"breaking bread"

our baby announcement

sunday brunch
@
the beauty shop
w/
some of our amazing friends

day care

holy hell.

kicking bird

so, FINALLY, a post that will not be full of fears, or worries, or morbid thoughts.

today we had our second appointment with our dr. we had an ultrascreen which is, basically, an ultrasound that assesses a mother’s risk for having a baby with Down syndrome and trisomy 18. everything went great! the sonographer was very excited for us...at first the baby wasn't moving much, (of course the first thing i did was look for the heartbeat! and there it was, just beating like crazy! ) so she shook the belly and woke it up- it started stretching, and kicking, sucking it's thumb....omg it was the most amazing thing i've ever seen. i couldn't believe it! there it was right before me, my baby! with it's own little ways, already! i welled up pretty good. how could you not?

from the beginning there have been all sorts of names for this being to be. to begin with, there's been a handful of people that have known that we were tyring to get pregnant. so, needing to be able to talk about it required a code word. hence; operation shrimp. nuf'said, right? shortly after we found out we were pregnant we calculated our due date. which is, oct. 30- so we decided it was going to be a little pumpkin and that by this time, it must be a "pumpkin seed". then i finally told my business partner/long time friend. almost immediately we joked about naming it after her (who we call LB) and her husband garen. "garina lebesky". then there was a phase where the "what to expect when you're expecting" website sent out an update of what your baby's doing and informed us that is was approximately the size of an olive. "olive oil". next,it was "butter bean". i'm not sure exactly where that came from for sure, other than thinking that's about the size it must be. right now it has two names that it consistently goes by... "lil bean" and "kicking bird" lil bean is from a joke i made standing in the kitchen with a friend about if we were "les-beans" it must be a "little bean". and kicking bird just flew out of my mouth the first time i saw it kicking it's little feet.

we won't know the sex for sure for a few more weeks. it's really a toss up. in the very beginning i thought we'd have a boy. then, i thought , no, we're going to totally have a girl. then, ironically, all these random people and situations would say that it was a girl. we've pretty much been in the girl vibe pretty solid for awhile. now, recently, i've started feeling a boy. don't know what that means exactly or how to explain that but i have. then today, our sonographer says....."i can tell you what i think though it's not accurate yet. see this right here? boy or girl, both have this at this point before it develops futher. but girls, it usually rest closer to the body and this one is sticking straight out. there have been a few that i missed, but i'm gonna say you're having a boy"!

WOW.

either one is fine with me. there are things that i love about both. if it's a girl, it's going to be surrounded by strong beautiful women that will affirm her identity and power and independence. and if it's a boy, it will be surrounded by stong beautiful women that will teach him sensitivity and grace and respect. and when i say women, i also mean people. we are so blessed to be surrounded by individuals that are all, beautiful, amazing people.- black and white, straight and gay- male and female- this will be a beautiful blessed child. i can feel it.

the worrier

i'm a worrier. everyday i worry. today i worried all day that there was not a heartbeat. all day i worried about it. making a piece of jewelry...worried about it. cutting out a piece of silver....worried about it. waiting on a customer...doesn't matter....there i am, worrying about my baby's heartbeat.

pregnant mama assures me that we would have signs that would make us aware this had happened. like, if the baby looses it's heartbeat, the baby dies. if the baby dies, it begins to withdraw from the uterine wall; thus, creating cramping within the uterus.

this, makes me sick and want to spit bile onto the floor. my heart feels like lead; heavy, and in a vise. in a vise clamped so hard that it nearly pops it's bolts.

it's not a wonder i feel this way though.....have this fear... it makes perfect sense. i've been conditioned. i've known so many who have had their heart broken. i've known someone who had a tubal pregnancy. the fallopian tube ruptured, and she nearly bled to death if not for her husband who recognized shock. i've known someone who mis-carried. i've known someone whose, after 5 months of pregnancy, uterus ruptured. she nearly died and the baby did die. i've known someone who after nearly that long, the baby died and she had to give birth to the baby that died inside her. i've known someone whose baby died at six weeks on new year's day of crib death. and i've known someone whose baby died at 24 of an accidental heroin overdose.

it's no wonder i'm afraid. how could i not be afraid?

my throat knots up.... my eyes sting with tears......my heart is racing and i try to quite myself by putting my hand over my heart.....taking a deep breath....... and exhaling...... everything i have..... into my baby....until i can feel it's heartbeat.... racing with mine.

green beans with ketchup

it's march 27 2009. a friday night. a friday night and i'm home eating a bowl of green beans. with ketchup.
i know.
no i'm not pregnant.
or am i?
ever since we found out that we're pregnant, it truly has seemed that "we" are pregnant. smells were the first sign. i've always had a sensitive sniffer. sometimes to the point of obnoxia, but never like this. everything can be fine and the slightest smell comes over me and suddenly everything's changed. nothing's okay. everything is sour and rotten and i can tell this is true by the swirl in my gut and the clamp on my head.

the second most noticeable sign is the fatigue. pregnant mama has unbelievable fatigue and i'm fighting it with everything i've got. i'm fine during the day. actually....... this is not true. some days i would hand over my pay for the day, maybe even for the week, just to lay down. on my bed. see what i mean? it's crazy. but, most of the time, i'm fairly energetic during the day. i come home ready to cook dinner, or change out the dishes, change out the laundry, tidy, whatever i can do to help take up the slack, or maybe work on my projects.....something. always something. and for the most part i do my share. but for a few weeks now, i come home with big aspirations and then there it is. like somewhere in the air and it just zaps it right from me! next thing i know, i'm fatigued too. so i lie down next to pregnant mama and in no time flat, i'm out too. and together we sleep and cocoon, and grow our baby.
together.

it's 9weeks old. not far along. well, it's been forever, really, already. we have so long to go. which is a beautiful thing. as well as quite torturous. sometimes i feel that if it would just get here, i wouldn't have all this time to be so angsty. i would be too busy holding it, and rocking it, and kissing it, and wiping it that i wouldn't have time to worry about all the things i worry about. will it make it to the first tests? will the first tests come back okay? will we make it to term? will the baby be healthy? will it do well in school? will it love me? what if i squish it? what if i sit on it and squish it and it dies? or drop it? what if i drop it?

and selfish..... i'm selfish. and fatalistic. and spoiled. i'm spoiled. for 43 years it's been my life about me. and no longer will that be true. i'll come home from work, pour me something to drink, and i'll be standing there at the sink and all of a sudden i think, "well, somebody would have to be holding the baby right now. i mean, unless it's asleep, some body's gotta be doing something with it. it has to be watched, and held, and seen about." or i'll be laying down in the morning, being lazy before getting up and i'll think "well, what would the baby be doing right now? probably needing something. kiss this time goodbye!" i know i sound awful. really, in my mind, what i do to myself, is awful.

all this said, i know that my love as i have known it, is small compared to what i will know. i know that as grown as i am, i am not yet grown. i know that as much as i think i know, i will learn so much more. and that as scary and as daunting as it seems, i know my life has only just begun.