the worrier

i'm a worrier. everyday i worry. today i worried all day that there was not a heartbeat. all day i worried about it. making a piece of jewelry...worried about it. cutting out a piece of silver....worried about it. waiting on a customer...doesn't matter....there i am, worrying about my baby's heartbeat.

pregnant mama assures me that we would have signs that would make us aware this had happened. like, if the baby looses it's heartbeat, the baby dies. if the baby dies, it begins to withdraw from the uterine wall; thus, creating cramping within the uterus.

this, makes me sick and want to spit bile onto the floor. my heart feels like lead; heavy, and in a vise. in a vise clamped so hard that it nearly pops it's bolts.

it's not a wonder i feel this way though.....have this fear... it makes perfect sense. i've been conditioned. i've known so many who have had their heart broken. i've known someone who had a tubal pregnancy. the fallopian tube ruptured, and she nearly bled to death if not for her husband who recognized shock. i've known someone who mis-carried. i've known someone whose, after 5 months of pregnancy, uterus ruptured. she nearly died and the baby did die. i've known someone who after nearly that long, the baby died and she had to give birth to the baby that died inside her. i've known someone whose baby died at six weeks on new year's day of crib death. and i've known someone whose baby died at 24 of an accidental heroin overdose.

it's no wonder i'm afraid. how could i not be afraid?

my throat knots up.... my eyes sting with tears......my heart is racing and i try to quite myself by putting my hand over my heart.....taking a deep breath....... and exhaling...... everything i have..... into my baby....until i can feel it's heartbeat.... racing with mine.