what an amazing moment. the beginning of an identity. the sonographer left the room to get ruby and we just hugged and cried. well, we hugged, and i cried. i think pregnant mama was a little shocked by baby mama's reaction. i don't know why...... she knows me!
william miles russell-bell.
we'll call him miles. william, after my father. i could go on and on about the growth and depth of love that my father and i had for each other, but we could be here all night. so i will simply say that he is the dearest to my heart, i feel him with me everyday and i cannot think of a better way to honor him than to give my child his name.
miles...i've always loved the name miles and loved miles davis, so that came to me pretty quickly and was enthusiastically received by pregnant mama. two weeks ago pregnant mama took baby mama's name and now we're a hyphenated family.
we've painted the baby's room. with the help of Nana R. we've finally gotten registered. that was fun! i loved the gun. really i think it should be that way everyday in life. everyone gets their own little gun and you get to walk around and go" bleep, 'i'll have that one please. oh, BLEEP, i'll have this one please! and wait-BLEEP, this too! thanks!!"
and my god there is a lot you need when setting up for the arrival of a little one. all the necessities of life, right close by, no matter where you go. gotta have em. as worrisome as it is, i know now that somehow, things fall into place. we will get through. never before have i ever felt like more like a team- a family.
time is drawing near and everyday i become more and more excited about meeting my son. we've come through our first trimester where we barely recognized each other and have found ourselves again. we've developed a routine. we get up at 6, she eats, i scratch, we go on a walk. we tell each other about what we've heard about pregnancy or childbirth, we read articles in magazines to each other, we go to our birthing class, we stretch and pelvic tilt and frog-leg, all while we're creating a landing pad for miles.
i'm finally able to enjoy the beautiful parts..... like pregnant mama's body. the change is amazing. so primal, so beautiful. such a goddess. and i'm finally experiencing the exciting parts... spooning and holding her belly...feeling tiny movements inside her that are as subtle as a heartbeat. it's the most amazing feeling knowing there's three of us laying there. and finally.... i don't have near the fear that i once did. instead, i think about his little head and how i can't wait to kiss it. i go to target for shorts for myself and walk out with an outfit for him. two, to be exact. both are super soft and have little feet. they live in my armoire next to my jeans. every time i see them, it makes me smile. sometimes i take them out and hold them and think of how it's going to feel to hold his little body and kiss his fat cheeks.
this must be the balance part of life. fear that can paralyze your body, and adventure that can thrust you off a mountain, and move you right through it. i'll take it. i'm here. and i'll take it.
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